Memories
by Dark-Phantasmagoria
Summary: Dean Winchester has somehow lost his memory... Is that what it takes to realize the one true person that matters in his life?
1. Chapter 1

Dean coughed and stretched out his arms. He was brought back into the world of the present groggily, and it took a moment for him to become fully accustomed to the new surroundings. The dingy smell of a run-down motel was the first thing to hit his nostrils, causing him to jerk up suddenly out of his slumber. Dean looked around, wondering what had happened. Where was he? And more importantly, where was Sam? He laid, tangled in the bed sheets for some time, and then finally mustered up the energy to stand. He walked to the wall-length mirror in the corner and looked himself over. His golden-brown hair was mussed up from sleep, and he looked like hell. His flannel pajama pants were twisted so that the tie was to the side, and his black Metallica t-shirt was ruffled and looked worn. But, it didn't matter. All he wanted to know was what had happened. He couldn't seem to place in his memory what had gone on the past night, but he was sure that it wasn't something good. Dean sat back on the blue comforter, cross-legged and with his eyes closed, trying to think back. Nothing came, other than a blur of color and flashing lights. It was best not to fight the amnesia…

Instead of trying to complete the impossible task of recalling the previous night, Dean set about to calling the one other person that he did seem to remember. It was an odd memory that felt more like a dream, but based on his thoughts, Castiel would know how to help… Dean was going off instinct more than planning, and he simply thought about Cass and his typical trench coat over dress shirt attire.

_He's so ridiculous, _thought Dean, reverting for a moment to his once-normal self. It was something. At least his mind had recognized Castiel's ignorant and naïve nature. Before Dean could think another thought, there was a thud behind him.

"Long time," Cass said quietly like a young child.

"Cass? I–I'm not sure what to say," Dean said, somewhat surprised. He wasn't sure what it was, but Castiel, his one friend that frequently popped in and out of his life, looked completely different. He still had his typical tan trench coat and dress shirt that was too formal for Dean's taste, and his face still bore the look of playful bliss and ignorance of a young boy… But, there was a new feeling in Dean's heart. It was one of reunion, and there was a _twinge _of something more than their friendly relationship for the past four years. It was a feeling of lust, and he didn't know how to quell it.

"What happened to you?" Cass said, slowly walking towards Dean and sitting on the bed next to him.

"I–I'm not sure. Cass, I–did you ever feel something, more?" Dean asked uncertainly. He began to fiddle with his thumbs and looked down at his flannel pajamas. He shouldn't have said anything. Dean was not sure what was going on. Of course, Cass had to sit there innocently, looking curious and mind-boggled. Sometimes, Dean really wanted to punch that son-of-a-bitch for being so _pure. _He chuckled softly and looked up into Cass's deep blue eyes and looked at his short, dark-brown hair.

"Please don't do this to me," he groaned. "You must know somewhere in that brain of yours that there is _something._" Castiel looked at Dean in amazement, and met his eyes calmly.

"Dean, what are you talking about?" he asked again, making Dean boil with lustful rage inside.

"I'm talking about–I–oh fuck it!" Dean said, leaning forward and pressing his pissed off lips against Cass's. The angel sat there for a moment in pure astonishment, but after less than a second he returned the feeling with a passionate kiss. It lingered in the room, and Dean felt his sensibility fail him as he pressed against Cass, now wrapping his arms around his smooth, angelic neck.

"Mmm," said Cass before he could stop himself. He didn't _want _this. Did he? What had gone through Dean's head to cause this sudden feeling. Cass knew deep down that he had always felt it, but he had been too afraid, too worried about jeopardizing their friendship, to act on it. Maybe he should leave. It would be as easy as _popping _out of the room and running for the demons of hell. But, he couldn't, and he knew that he wouldn't.

Instead, the angel began to fill with a new feeling that broke his innocent ignorance. Cass, the untainted angel of the lord, had fallen to the most primal desires of mankind…

Cass ran his hands through Dean's hair as the mortal began to tear off the angel's long trench coat. It was smooth, and only a moment later, they were literally clawing each other's clothes off, ready to get to the skin underneath.

"Dean, please just do it…" Cass mumbled, not sure how humans normally talked to each other when in this kind of moment. He blushed a little and hoped that Dean didn't see it. He didn't. Dean began running his teeth along Cass's neck, which in turn made the angel giggle like a schoolgirl. He was defenseless.

"I love it when you take control," he mumbled as Dean began to pull Cass fully onto the bed, climbing on top of him.

"You innocent bastard," Dean said as he pulled the covers over them, so that they were completely enveloped in each other. Cass did his best to follow Dean's movements, but he still felt ridiculous that Dean was probably so experienced.

"What are you thinking?" Dean asked as they continued to romp under the sheets.

"This is the best fucking thing I've ever done," Cass said, taking on Dean's usual tone of dominance and cool resolve.

"Oh, so I've corrupted the little angel a bit?" Dean asked huskily.

"Well, maybe not all the way," Cass said, grinning devilishly.

"We'll see what I can do…" Dean said, sucking on Cass's lip as they faded into bliss…

#

"Ugh, why the fuck do I feel drunk?" Dean moaned as he opened his eyes and rolled over to the left.

"Oh shit," he muttered, looking into the angelic, sleeping face of Cass. He quickly collapsed back onto the mattress and closed his eyes. The memories of last night flooded back to him. He lay there, naked, reviewing it all as his recollection returned. Not thinking about what this meant for them in the future, he bit his lip and smiled.

_For an angel, Cass can fuck surprisingly well, _he thought before he slipped back asleep.


	2. Chapter 2

Memories: 2

"I guess I know why I couldn't remember anything," said Dean.

Cas sighed. "I'm really sorry Dean. I guess I didn't realize that you were drunk. I'll leave and we can never speak of this again. I–you should go back to Lisa. Your family needs you…"

Dean shook his head and stood up, beginning to pace the room. He was thinking of the night before. He had been fucking delusional, thinking that Sam had been with him, staying in the motel. He had thought that they _were _on the hunt. The motel environment was so imprinted in his brain that he automatically had reverted to his past life in his hung-over state.

"What?" asked Castiel, looking confused.

"Dammit!" Dean said, turning to the motel dresser and punching it so that the wood split. He sighed and rubbed his eyes.

"Hope they don't notice," he mumbled.

Cas looked at Dean deeply. He wished that he could do something to help. Dean was never good at controlling his anger. It was something that he and Sam shared…

"Dean, I wish you would come back and hunt again. We have to try to fix this. Don't you want to bring Sam back?" Cas asked.

"I'd love to bring Sammy back. You're supposed to be the fucking angel, Cas. Didn't God ever tell you about hell at all. Don't you have any knowledge of how to get Sam out?" he yelled angrily. Dean then sighed and shook his head. He sat down anxiously, and put his hand on Cas's shoulder.

"I'm sorry. I'm just really fucking messed up right now. I can't deal with losing everyone in my life that matters. I just feel used… What all of the angels, and the demons do to us… Taunting, using us as pawns. I'm just sick of it. And I can't leave Lisa and Ben. Not now." Cas looked at Dean and sighed again.

"I know Dean. And, I'm just sorry for my part in it," he whispered. Dean looked at Cas angrily.

"Your part? You are manipulating us too?" Dean asked weakly. Cas sighed. "Sometimes I have… But I don't like it." Before Dean could say anything else Cas changed the subject.

"Do you still love Lisa, Dean?" he asked. Dean shrugged.

"I care for Lisa a lot, but I just can't protect her and Ben. When I came here the other night, and told Lisa that I was going camping for a view days, I drank more than I ever have. I just can't deal with the stress. I keep looking around every corner, thinking that something is going to come out and kill them. I can't deal with it. And you—I love you Cas. I really do…" Dean's voice cracked as he said it. He couldn't look Cas in the eyes. Instead he twiddled his thumbs.

"I love you too. I honestly feel ridiculous because I couldn't tell you. I thought that, since you always acted like there was nothing between us, I should just leave it alone. I suppose I was wrong." Cas laughed a bit. Dean's eyes welled up with angry tears and he leaned forward to hug Cas.

"We'll get Sam back. I promise," whispered Cas.

"I hope so Cas," Dean mumbled.


	3. Chapter 3

Dean sighed as he pushed open the door. Lisa ran to greet him.

"Hey babe," she said, kissing him. Dean smiled a bit and hugged her.

"Hi. I'm sorry I left so suddenly. Just needed some–"

"Time alone," Lisa said, finishing Dean's sentence. Dean nodded.

"Yeah. I just had to think about a few things…"

"You look tired," Lisa said. Dean nodded.

_What am I going to do? I can't do this. If I lie to her, I'll eventually have to leave. If I forget what happened with Cas, well, I can't do that. Fuck me, _Dean thought. He ignored his mind's troubles.

"Yeah. I didn't sleep much. Just um, sat in the tent and thought about things," Dean said. He didn't want to lie, but he wasn't going to tell Lisa what had really happened.

Lisa sighed and pulled Dean into the kitchen. On the way, Dean dropped his bag by the stairs. "Well, you're here just in time. I made dinner, and there's enough for three," she said, winking. Dean looked around and saw Ben, sitting at the kitchen table playing on his phone.

"Hey," said Dean, looked at Ben. Ben immediately looked up.

"Where did you go?" he asked. Dean shrugged.

"Camping," he said. Ben looked at Dean, puzzled. He shrugged too and looked back to his game.

"Ben put it away. It's dinner time," Lisa said, looking at the boy sternly. Ben nodded and put his phone in his pocket. Dean walked over slowly and sat down next to the young boy. He knew, deep down that Ben was probably his son. They were too similar for it to be mere coincidence. And that made him feel even worse about how he knew that one day, he might need to leave them again. The broken family had a quiet dinner, and Dean thought deeply about the future as he ate his pasta. He thought about Cas, and if Sam would ever come back.

"I'm going to go to bed. I feel wrecked," he said as soon as they finished dinner. Lisa nodded, not saying anything, and Dean walked upstairs, grabbing his bag. When he came to the bedroom he threw it on the bed and walked into the bathroom. He closed the door, locked it, and turned on the sink to splash his face, feeling like he was in a nightmare.

"Hi," came Cas's calm voice from behind him. Dean jumped and turned around.

"I really don't like it when you do that, you know," he said irritably. Cas sighed.

"Sorry. You're in pain. Why do you put yourself through this?" he asked. Dean clenched his fists and began to breathe heavily.

"I don't know Cas. I just can't do this. Look at them. I know already that one day I'll leave again. I won't stay here. Sam and I–our whole family, we're freaks. Winchesters just don't sit in fake, happy houses with children. We don't just live normally with a routine job. I can't do it. I can't live with myself. Our dad –my dad…" Dean said, correcting himself.

"Dad wanted me to hunt. He wanted me to follow in his footsteps. He's been dead for a long time now, and now Sammy's gone too. You'd think that it would make me want family even more, but I don't. I fell into the normal thoughts in that motel. I began to think about the normal worries, feel the normal paranoia of being a hunter. I cleared my tracks before I left. I even made sure that I wasn't followed on the way home. It's been almost a year now and I actually want to hunt again. What should I do, Cas?" Dean asked desperately. Suddenly Dean heard footsteps and then there was a knock on the door. Dean whipped his head around to look at it.

"Everything okay Dean?" came Lisa's disembodied voice. Dean sighed and looked back to Cas, but he was already gone.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just was going to shower," Dean lied.

"Okay. Well, Ben's in bed. I'll be in here when you're done," said Lisa.

"Alright," said Dean, beginning to strip. He stepped into the shower and turned the water on high. The scorching droplets nearly sizzled on his skin, but Dean didn't care. He wanted to burn. He sighed and tears began to flow out of his eyes. After a shower that lasted so long that the water went cold, he walked into the bedroom to find Lisa asleep. He put on pajama pants and climbed in next to her, instantly falling into dreamful hell.


End file.
